Part Two: Choosing a Sperm Donor

There are several sperm banks you can choose from and they are more or less the same except that some give you different information about the donor. Either way, you get to feel like a total creep knowing way too much information about someone’s life (think: their entire family’s heights/weights/medical diagnoses/causes of death), not to mention you’re generally looking at pictures of children in order to buy their future sperm.

Speaking of feeling like a total creep, there are Facebook groups where you can connect with your “donor siblings” — i.e. other people who have children by the same sperm donor. They often will not let you into the group unless you have a live birth, because there’s a lot of people trying to “preview” what your donor contributes to their children, which is kind of creepy. However, it can be nice to find community here.

By the way, did I mention that sperm is expensive? And we’re in a sperm shortage (especially if you want a Black donor)? Donors get paid somewhere around $150 and their sperm sells for 10x that. Granted, the sperm has to go through all kinds of tests and washing, but still, damn.

Oh, and it’s not just the sperm. Since the vials are frozen, you have to pay for either overnight or two-day shipping, which is around $400 or $200, respectively, and definitely not stressful at all when you are having it delivered to Texas in July.

Anyway, back to the sperm banks. Whatever bank you go with, I would recommend signing up for their new donor alerts since donors often sell out fast and also their descriptions of donors are hilarious.

Fairfax Cryobank

I started with a donor from this bank because it was the easiest to Google. They have a lot of information available about their donors — I would argue most sperm banks give you far more information that you ever want to know (e.g.: astrological sign, favorite animal, etc.). However, one critical thing they offer is a clip of the person’s voice. I had no idea how important this was until I heard the voice of this 6’, hazel-eyed donor with a Master’s degree. 

Xytex

The other donors I used were from Xytex for the simple reason that you can see pictures of the donors as an adult for 30 days when you sign up for a free account. I learned very quickly that this was important to me — cute babies do not necessarily grow into cute adults!!! — but I know other people get squicked out by seeing actual pictures of the adult donor (or in some cases…the clearly-still-in-college donor whose sperm is going inside you). It feels very weird to be 35 and choosing a donor who is still in his early 20s but, you know, whatever works. 

You can also read a fairly lengthy essay from the donor which, as a writer, is ultimately how I chose my current (final?) donor from this bank. 

California Cryobank and Seattle Sperm Bank

I don’t really have experience with these, but they exist. 

California Cryobank offers adult pictures, a recorded conversation, thorough essays, etc. but most are for an additional fee ($145 or $250 for 90 days). 

Sperm Bank of California

This one is popular with other SMBCs because they limit family size to 10, whereas with other banks that “limit family size to 25” (quotes for skepticism, as it’s self-reported and no one monitors this) it’s very possible to have 100 donor siblings. Sperm Bank of California does not have anonymous donors, is a nonprofit, and generally seems fairly ethical. If I could go back in time, I might choose them.

My experience:

The million-dollar question — how did I choose a donor? (Yes, obviously there was a spreadsheet.)

My criteria were basically:

  • Over 6’ tall (later changed to 5’11)

  • Blue, green, or hazel eyes

  • Seemed like an interesting and good person

  • Voice does not give me the heebie jeebies (added in after Fairfax experience)

Someone recently pointed out to me that I was essentially looking for myself and what can I say, I am a perfect specimen. 

With this criteria, I initially emerged with one (1) donor from Fairfax. 

While there was only one donor I actually liked, I was hesitant to buy more than one vial for my first round of IUI. I was feeling lucky! What if it worked?

(Spoiler alert — it did not, and by the time I went to buy more, the donor was no longer in the program.) 

Despite my friends joking that dick is not in short supply, sperm definitely is — and, again, it’s expensive ($1000+ per vial). I recently watched one donor who was 6’ with a Master’s degree ($1495 per vial) sell out all 25 vials in two hours.  

For the second two rounds of IUI, I used a different donor (and bought two vials that time).

For IVF, I spent more time exploring my donor options. I ended up with a third donor, basically because nothing had worked up until that point and why not switch things up. I was concerned because he hadn’t updated his medical history since 2013, which likely means he hadn’t donated since then, and I didn’t know if it was bad for sperm to sit on ice for that long. While I do think this donor is cute, I ultimately chose him because his essay is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read, and it makes me feel like he is a good person.

So, here he is, my donor:

I have a picture of him as an adult but I feel weird including it.

My advice: 

If you are committed to pursuing pregnancy and find a donor you like, do not wait to buy vials assuming that they will always be there or will come back in stock. That said, you do not need to immediately buy a whole bunch of vials — my doctor told me to buy two, and that feels right to me in terms of cost and hedging your bets. Some sperm banks will give you a refund of half of what you paid for the vial, but only if it hasn’t been shipped (you’re also stuck with another risk calculation there — you can ship multiple vials at once, but then you can’t get a refund).

IUI uses one vial per round to hopefully create one pregnancy, whereas IVF uses one vial to create many embryos (hopefully). If you are doing IVF, they don’t need as much sperm, so it’s worth asking if they’re willing to try doing a “sperm shave.” This means they will defrost part of the vial so you can use it again.

Okay, tests, check, sperm, check. It’s time to get started.

Part One: The Lead-up and the Tests
Part Three: The IUIs
Part Four: Getting Started with IVF and Finding a Clinic
Part Five: Insurance Hell and IVF Costs
Part Six: Egg Retrieval and Needles Galore
Part Seven: Creating Embryos and the Numbers Game
Part Eight: ~*fEEliNgS*~

Part One: The Lead-up and the Tests

The most popular article I’ve ever written was about my having babies. 30 And Not Pregnant: How My Biological Clock Is Freaking Me Out (title not mine) was published on Elite Daily in 2015. In it, I wrote about how I’m the last of my family and how I had realized that in order to continue to have a family that would know my parents, I would have to reproduce. The article garnered hundreds of thousands of views and some 25,000 shares, not that I was counting (obsessively, every day). I got paid $0 for baring my soul. Hooray exposure. 

Five years later, staring down my 35th birthday, I made an appointment at a fertility clinic that I chose via Google. I met with a nice doctor who talked me through the process: first, we’d run a bunch of tests. Then, we’d try intrauterine insemination (IUI) aka sophisticated turkey baster, which has a small (10-20%) chance of working. Then, if necessary, we’d try IVF — a two-step, three month process with lots of needles. I was hoping we wouldn’t get to that point. 

But before anything else, I had to do the tests, starting with a transvaginal ultrasound in the office to check out my ovaries. You will get extremely used to these. 

The explainer:

Here are the other tests I did:

HSG 

This is the most invasive test. It’s done between day 5 and 10 of your period. They basically shoot dye into your uterus and then take an x-ray to make sure that everything is shaped correctly and your Fallopian tubes aren’t blocked. There is a small risk of puncturing your uterus during this process, which is not what you want to hear when you’re about to try to put a baby in there. You also have to take preventative antibiotics to make sure you don’t get an infection which, again, is a scary thing to hear, but not as bad as the puncturing part. 

The HSG does not feel pleasant, but just when I started to think, “Wait, this really sucks,” they finished. Also, just FYI the dye that goes in has to come out somehow — so prepared to feel very sticky all day.

Fun fact: The closest place available for me to do this test was a children’s hospital, so I had to get my uterus imaged at a place where I was the oldest patient by 25 years, in a room with dinosaurs on the wall and shit. The staff were very nice and said it was the third one they’d done that day. 

The rest of the tests are blood draws. After my last blood draw, I was trying to be coy with the lab tech and said, “Whew, glad those are done with!” without mentioning why I was doing all these tests. The tech was like, “Honey, if you’re trying to get pregnant, you’re going to get real used to getting your blood drawn.” (She was very right.)

Ovarian Assessment

This has to be done on day 2 or 3 of your cycle. Mine was called Reprosource. Your ovaries basically get a grade on a scale of 1-20. To write this, I actually looked at my report to see what that means — it’s apparently the chances that you’ll be able to retrieve five or more eggs with stimulation if you do IVF (more on this later). Mine got a score of 14 which is fine for my age — at the time I just assumed my ovaries got a B, which is respectable.

Genetic Testing

This is an easy one because it can be done anytime. After you get your results, you’re supposed to remember that you’re a carrier for medium chain acyl-CoA dehydrogenase deficiency when you choose a sperm donor, assuming they have also been tested for that. So, it’s of mixed usefulness.

Infectious Disease Testing

This has to be done before doing an IUI and updated every so often. It’s to make sure you don’t have a disease that could be passed to your newborn. 

They also screen for CMV (cytomegalovirus). If you are negative, you can only use negative donors, or you risk birth defects (most commonly hearing loss). If you are positive, you can use any donor. Fun fact: I apparently had an active CMV infection at the time of my test which is super rare! So I had to wait for that to clear, which could take a few months, before I could get started.

IgG/M Testing

These test the antibodies present in your blood — possibly to test for toxoplasmosis? At this point I was pretty much handing out vials of my blood without asking questions. 

Counseling

While not a medical test per se, my clinic required that I speak to a counselor about using a sperm donor (this is optional at some clinics). My conversation with her was less, “Are you sane enough to be a mother?” and more, “Let’s think through different scenarios that could come up for you.” 

The counselor asked me questions like what would I tell my child about using a sperm donor, did I want to have an anonymous or known donor and what would the implications of that be for my child, how would having this child affect my future family plans, etc. She also disclosed that she had conceived with IUI so I was super psyched to talk to her about her experience. The session was twice as expensive as my regular therapist, but it was helpful and encouraging.  

My experience: 

Despite all of these tests being laid out on a very handy sheet by my doctor, I lost some time at the testing stage by not doing the right tests at the right point in my cycle, and having to wait another month to repeat them at the right point in my cycle. The process is a lot to juggle but this is just the intro to being on top of your shit so you will get better at it. (If there’s one thing I can say about trying to get pregnant, it made me a lot better at managing what’s going on — asking the right questions, having clear steps, etc.)

So that was the first round of tests. I passed everything. Hooray. But, by the time I found that out, I had started dating someone and was holding out hope for, you know, love from more than one person to be involved in creating a child. 

One year and a tearful breakup later, I was back at the clinic. Great news — I didn’t have to repeat any of my tests (not even infectious disease testing, which actually seems a little sketch in retrospect). 

This time I actually ordered sperm and was ready to go. How did I choose a sperm donor, you ask?

Part Two: Choosing a Sperm Donor
Part Three: The IUIs
Part Four: Getting Started with IVF and Finding a Clinic
Part Five: Insurance Hell and IVF Costs
Part Six: Egg Retrieval and Needles Galore
Part Seven: Creating Embryos and the Numbers Game
Part Eight: ~*fEEliNgS*~

My No-BS Journey of Trying to Conceive as a Single Mother by Choice

The first thing that I will tell you is that you can do this. 

It’s going to be hard, but you can do it. Find your mantra that makes you feel stronger — for me it was “I can do this” — and repeat it to yourself when shit gets hard. 

The second thing I will tell you, is that when I went into my first fertility clinic, I was handed this folder.